Worries and Lands of Make-Believe

I worry that my best won't be good enough.  I might spend ceaseless hours working on my homework and watch it not pay off in the long run.  I'm afraid that if I try I'll only fail.  I fret over the thought of discovering that my mind won't expand any further.  Taking risks is one of my biggest challenges as a person.  I also worry that I'll never find a man that I genuinely love who loves me in return.  I worry that these years will breeze past and I’ll look back on them with regret and remorse.  I worry that I'll be stuck within the barriers of unrequited love for years to come.  I worry that I’ll never be normal enough to be able to survive in society.  I’m tired of acting like I’m on top of things and confident, and to be entirely honest, I don’t know where the hell I’m going or what I’m doing.  I’m so lost.  I know that many other people are going through what I'm going through, but it seems like others can put on a much more convincing disguise.  I'm weird and everyone knows.  I don't wear that persuasive mask of self-confidence that will obscure the truth;  I wear the transparent one.

I've found that I want somebody to share myself with.  It's hard to live with myself when there's nobody who understands me or appreciates my interests.  Some may say that I'm unique, but oftentimes I wish I had more popular interests so that I could relate to others.  I like what I like, but it's hard when there's no one like me.  I wonder what other people's minds are like and how they perceive things - what does life feel like for them?  What do the bars of a song sound like?  What are sounds?  Their answers will be inconceivable to me; I will understand their words but the words will do no good.  Words describe the concrete just right, but when it comes to emotion we catch only a glimpse.  I do not feel as you feel.  Or do I?  That is unknown and forever obscured to us.


I want to know if they dream of living in fantasy lands.  If they want to actually go where their minds take them.  I often wish I could visit the worlds in my books and video games, but unfortunately they can never be reality.  They are just elements of fantasy, things that we dream about but will never actually experience.  And yet...I conjure up eccentric plans of the creation of my own world...and yet again I realize that it is in vain.

I walk in your direction yet I am hoping to go by unnoticed.  But you do notice.  My feelings for you are so intense that my throat gets dry and a lump grows in my throat.  I can't look you in the eye because no words will come come out and I fear that I will look like a fool.  She thinks she's too good for me, you must be thinking.  But no, it is quite the opposite.  When I catch a glimpse of your eyes, I think, this man is too good for me.  I feel a certain vibe from you, one that I've never felt before.  You have a peaceful soul, a flowing stream that connects to mine.  I felt it the first day I met you, and I feel it to this day.  And yet I feel a sense of rage pouring from you as the tiny stream becomes a river...The power and the peace. The contradiction is alluring and makes me ever drawn to you.  You suck me in then you blow me away.  I wonder if you feel even a minuscule piece of what I am feeling right now...If you can comprehend or relate to even the slightest bit of my feelings for you.  But you are lost to me...gone.  And like everything else that I feel, this must just be a fantasy...Because my dreams never come true...

Sunrise

Sometimes there’s no pain worse than the pain from regret.  Usually I am able to let things go and move on, but this time it seems to be harder than ever.  I made a mistake, a very stupid mistake.  I had a great opportunity and let it pass me by because of fear.  Fear of love and fear of rejection.  I can’t take risks, and now I am stuck with the product of that weakness.  I’m trapped in the reality that I can never return to that time, and to be honest, it literally hurts my insides.

I’m missing something.  For so long, I have had my music carry me through life.  About a year ago, I started to feel that it wasn’t enough.   Then there was somebody who understood my soul musically, and I had a special feeling about that person.  No one had captured my soul like this person did.  No one else understood.  But now that person is gone, and no matter how one part of me tries to convince the other part that there is hope, deep down resides the knowledge that there is none.  Rather than realizing that the feeling was wrong, which is what my mind is trying to tell my “heart”, my heart continues to believe that person is the one for me.  Let’s call my heart Hope and my mind Frank.  Hope is the emotional and instinctual side of me.  Hope believes in magic and miracles and Love.  She believes in soul mates.  Frank also believes in Love, but his job is to put reality into the picture.  Frank Thinks this person is gone forever from my life and that I need to move on.  He believes there is no reason to keep pursuing something that will never happen; the person does not reciprocate the feelings, so what is the point?  Hope Feels that not all is lost.  She still feels that there is something very special about this guy, and that he is worth waiting for.  She doesn’t feel this way about any other guy, and cannot imagine feeling the same connection with anybody else. 

There is such a conflict between Hope and Frank right now.  I have no idea what to do. I suppose now’s the time to just breathe and try not to think about it too much, yet I catch myself thinking about it all of the time.  I wish I could adopt the “Out with the old, in with the new” idea, but I just cannot seem to grasp it or follow through with it.  I feel so helpless knowing I could have done something about it before, and now there is nothing I can do. 

A song that seems to pull a major love string is Sunrise by The Who.  Loss and soft sadness pours from that song. Some of those lyrics:

“Sometimes I fear that this will go on my life through
Each day I spend in an echoed vision of you
And then again I'll turn down love
Remembering your smile
My every day is spent
Thinking of you all the while”

These lyrics ring true.  I hate putting my feelings out there like this, but it is what it is, and I shouldn’t be hiding what’s going on from everybody.  I did that for far too long.

Anyway, on a happier note, the end of the semester is approaching!  I am so ready for winter break.  Christmas!  What a great time of year…The only complaint I have about it is –yes you guessed it –the cold!  The cold makes me want to either go down south like the birds in the winter, or cuddle up in bed with 5 blankets and eat all day.  I’m hoping winter break will give me time to read the 3 books I have lined up.  I have only read 1 book so far this entire semester!  That’s right, in the last 3 months I’ve read one book.  This college work is so crazy; things always seem to get more intense rather than chill out. 

My poem--

I lay here in my bed
Thoughts building upon each other
Thoughts of the past
Regret consumes me
The memories choose to stay
Powerless am I.
My mind will not mold into what I want,
My heart continues to ache.
I am filled up with you
Every day, I imagine those beautiful eyes
Vividly.
Darkness enters as memories flood in
Black veiling Blue.
You're not here,
You will never be here again.

Reality strikes like a knife
With knowledge of the truth
I put on the music and sigh
Feel the soul of the melody
The beautiful sadness of the harmony meeting it
The Unity.
Perfect pair of sounds
Like our souls.
If only I had extingushed the fear
Before our time ended
Before my chance expired.

Ramble On

This is my very first blog post (besides with Xanga 6 years ago - what a nightmare!).  The title of my post might be recognizable as the Led Zeppelin song title.  You know what I find really strange?  People who wear the band t-shirts but don't even really know the band.  It drives me to discuss the music with them only to discover they only know one song if that.  There is absolutely no knowledge about the music or the history of it.  There's something about the earlier Led Zeppelin that really touches my soul.  I like how their music is romantic and beautiful in a sort of rough way.  There's a certain unexplainable vibe that comes through that music.  A plus is that there are many Lord of the Rings references in the lyrics.
"If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.  If mountains crumbled to the sea, there would still be you and me.  Kind woman, I give you my all."

Unfortunately, I'm beginning to feel disconnected from my music.  What happened to spending every free moment listening to music and making up songs on my keyboard?  Why did I stop playing violin?  Why don't I try to improve on the guitar?  Music makes the darkness in my heart more bearable.  A sweet melody seems to carry my heart and soul and makes sadness beautiful.

I feel most myself when I listen to The Moody Blues.  Are You Sitting Comfortably? is one of their many phenomenal titles.  It combines mystery with adventure, and I am enchanted by the beauty of the tune and lyrics.  It makes me want to explore the world and beyond Earth.  I want to see and feel magic. 

School isn't doing it for me.  I was expecting to be completely immersed and interested in my studies in college, but I'm really not.  I admit, my classes are much more interesting than high school, but I wish I could take one class at a time and not have to be under pressure to get so many credits out of the way.  Don't be fooled by my calm exterior; I become overwhelmed easily.  It's a lot of hard work, but I know I'll get through it somehow.

The only thing I really miss about high school is my friends.  They say you meet your true friends in college, but I met mine in high school.  I have met some Awesome new people, but there's just not that same connection as with my old friends.  Some of my good friends are still in town, but I barely get to see them because I have to make time for hanging out.  
Hopefully things will become more chill so I can devote time to doing what I love and spending time with those I love.
Poem I wrote during the summer~

 Opportunity lost
Like a farewell wave
Love floats away across the ocean
Was that good-bye?

Moment not grasped
Fear overtook me
Pasted on smile
There's more to say

But I do not say
"I love you"
I cannot utter a simple
"You're amazing"
Or even
"I hope to see you again someday"

There's more
More than the smiles and the hi's
so much to say
so much for you to know